Denial Keeps Me Stuck [Part 1]

Wrestling…this is what I have been up to lately. Wrestling with feelings of confusion, thoughts, my grief….my denial.

I have been stuck in my writing and wondered why.

With much gratitude, I am aware that I am in this strange place. I believe that my stuckness has been mostly around my grief and denying my feelings. Let me explain…

Recently, I felt a nudge to re-post my miscarriage stories but I kept putting it off. I avoided re-publishing these stories because I was afraid of revisiting my grief feelings. Fearful to re-experience the pain. Afraid to sit in the discomfort of my emotions. What might happen, if I go there… again?

Can you relate? Do you fear sitting with uncomfortable emotions?

You might think by now, especially as a therapist, I would understand that avoiding my feelings only brings more pain. So I decided to face that fear and re-post my stories. I was able to remember my sweet, sweet kiddos, Sage, Cruz, and Zane, who are with me always in spirit. And it was good to remember. Good to grieve my losses some more. I chose to sit with the pain…again. And I am not only ok, but more free for doing so. I feel lighter, less stuck, more connected to the world around me again. I am letting go of the denial.

OH how I miss my kiddos and grateful for the ones who are with me face to face.

You see, I have 5 children dearly LOVED…Remy, Sage, Cruz, Zane, and Hugh. I am overwhelmed with an indescribable love and connection for and to them. So deep words lack the ability to truly explain.

What pain are you ignoring? Feelings you are denying? What is eating away at you that needs to come out.

Until the next story…Bethie

Stuck

Have you ever felt stuck?

I sure have. I have been feeling it over the last few days with my writing here on the blog. What do I write about? I ask myself. Why am I not writing? Maybe my perfectionism is getting in the way. Maybe I have some underlying emotions I am not dealing with that need to come out. Maybe I just need to do some self-care. Maybe I need a break. I never want my writing to become dutiful, like work. I want it to continue to be fun, creative, and flowing. Bringing lots of JOY. Just letting it guide me where ever it wants to take me.

Whatever the reason, it is ok. I have to remind myself that I am in this process, this journey exploring my writing. It is ok to take a break. There is no such thing as perfect. It is only progress. I don’t need to beat myself up for not writing the last few days. Maybe I need to let go…AND trust the process.

So what is beneath your stuckness?

Until next time…Bethie

Linger A Little Longer

I have been meditating and doing this quite a bit lately…lingering….a…little…longer…

Along with lingering, I have been slowing down, minimizing, clearing the clutter both from my mind and with stuff around the house that we just don’t need. I am working on cutting our the crap in my life, the junk, the NOISE. I am finding more white space on my calendar. Letting go of the obligations and the fluff and the shiny new objects that I don’t really need or want.

Lingering…when was the last time you just lingered a little longer?

I find myself lingering just a few more moments in the hot shower. Lingering just a few more moments with my son on the floor for his tummy time. Lingering just a moment more with my daughter as I look at her eyes and here her story of the moment. Lingering in the sunshine just a little bit longer. I am lingering a little longer. Letting go of the rush, the frantic, the “I musts do this or that” in my life. I am finding peace and rest in this place of lingering. It helps me stay a little more present in the moment. Do I have it all figured out….NO! Do I stay present in the lingering perfectly…NEVER! But, I am beginning this practice, this new journey of lingering.

Here’s to lingering…cheers!

Bethie

The Body Speaks

It is there again. That shoulder tension and tightness. Usually it is in both of my shoulders, but this time it is mostly on the right side. It weighs me down. It is painful. It consumes my thoughts.

My body is speaking to me again. I want to listen and I want to avoid all at the same time. I listen because I want to grow and experience healing. I avoid from the fear of what I might need to do to experience that healing. When my body is in pain, I am learning that I usually am holding onto something emotionally that I need to let go of. Maybe it is a truth I need to speak, a resentment I need to let go of, or a forgiveness I need to give. Maybe it is an old core belief that no longer serves me; an old survival story that is no longer valid.

What do I need to let go of this time? My body is speaking. It never lies to me. I am learning to trust my body when it speaks rather than condemn, criticize, and tell it to hush. My body is for me, not against. It wants to survive and thrive.

How about you? What is your body speaking to you today?

Until the next story…Bethie

Priorities: Saying No when I want to say Yes

It is that time of year again, my annual Women’s Leadership Retreat at Onsite Workshops and OH how I wanted to be there. I get to work on myself, see my friends and like the name…retreat! In addition, there is a sweat lodge ceremony, a campfire, and GREAT eats!

But this year I had to say no. It was hard. I cried tears. I so badly wanted to be there. My will wanted to be there yet deep down I knew it would be too soon to be away from my newly born son.

In our lives, we go through seasons and times where we may really want to do something, but to do it would cause more angst, stress, and worry than to not do it. This was true for me this year for the retreat. I’ve been spending time getting clear on my current priorities. My priority this year was to stay at home with my son and continue his nursing and feeding schedule. He needs me during this foundational time. Sometimes our no is permanent and sometimes it is only for a season. I do hope to return to my annual retreat next year as it is so good for my soul! However, I knew this time the pain of going and being away from my two month old son was greater than the pain of not going. This is often when change happens in our lives… when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.

This was a hard change for me this year in not attending, but I knew I had to be at home with my son AND OH He is so more than worth it!

How about you? When did Wisdom tell you to say no when your plan was yes?

Until next time…Bethie

Praying for Boredom

As I was reading recently in one of my recovery daily readers, I felt the urging of my Higher Power to try this out…. ‘Ask for boredom and see what happens’ He said. What if I prayed for boredom in my life? What might come about? My 6 year old daughter will occasionally on the weekends tell me she feels bored and I usually respond with “It is okay to feel bored.” She, of course, responds with “NO, it is not okay momma!” I, too, remember complaining about this boredom as a child. Initially, as I thought about feeling bored again, I felt scared. Do I really want to sit with my boredom feelings? Do I really want to know what might come about if I feel bored now as an adult? These are the negative fearful worries I pondered which can be were my mind goes first. However, after thinking about it some more, I wondered what positive things might happen. I wondered if it might help me stay more present in the moment with myself, my kids, my husband. Maybe in the boredom I might find more gratitude for life. Maybe I will realize my true priorities. Maybe I will even find some rest, calm, and clarity. After thinking about the positives, feeling bored sounded FUN to me. So I suppose I will have to see what happens. I am willing and open to the process. How about you? When was the last time you felt bored? And, what happened for you?

Until the next story…Bethie

A Moment Only God Could Orchestrate...

My Higher Power, whom I chose to call God, wanted to solidify what He has revealed to me lately about my late grandmother, Kathlyn. He did it in the most unexpected way. I continue to be in awe of how and what God is showing me.

I took my daughter the other day to gymnastics, it was her second class. She has been asking to go for months now and I have hesitated (that reason is a whole other story). While she was out tumbling around on the bouncy floor, I sat in the bleachers and journaled about the memories that have recently come back to me about my own grandmother. And the most miraculous thing happened.

There was an older woman sitting behind me. She had gray hair, glasses, and a yellow with green writing visitor tag from a school she had probably visited earlier in the day. It was after school hours and I noticed that she was reading the newspaper and watching a young boy beside her. He was playing store with pretend money that he had made from paper. I was a bit annoyed at first trying to journal about my memories with my grandmother, but something in me said ‘pay attention’ to what this lady was saying. I did. While I can’t tell you all the things the young child said, I began to notice how this lady was responding to this child. She told him he was sweet and kind. She used words like please and thank you with him. She played along with him as he was the cashier and salesman of his store. He even decided to give her some free items and then convinced her to purchase a Christmas tree for the upcoming holiday season. Wholeheartedly, she was engaged with him and his creation of this store.

What I became aware of in those moments that followed for the next hour was that she spoke to him with such respect, kindness, and gentleness that I rarely see in our world today. She was listening to him, joining him in his creativity, and showing him love in her actions and words. She was patient, kind, and loving. She was making time for him. This was a picture, a modern day real live picture of what my grandmother did for me as a young child. God wanted me to remember and I did.

I had to say something, anything to this lady. My heart was pounding, I wanted her to know how much in these moments she had encouraged me. She had given me hope that there are still people in the world who are kind to children. Who was this beauty of a woman?

I did just that…as my daughter finished up her gymnastics class, I spoke to this woman. I thanked her for speaking so kindly and patiently with this child. I wanted to thank her because in a way I was thanking my own grandmother which I did not get a chance to do before she died. I told her that she gave me hope. And she told me with joy and gratitude glimmering in her eyes that this was her grandson. He had to have been around 4 or 5 years old. What a gift to have such a delightful grandmother at such a formative age…the very same thing I had in my grandmother at around the same age as this boy. She is laying a lasting foundation with her actions just like my grandmother did for me.

I am filled, no overflowing with gratitude for this God moment. God works in big, small, and unexpected ways and He continues to do so in my life. God presented an opportunity on this day to thank my very own grandmother, Kathlyn, by vicariously being able to thank this lovely woman. I could never have orchestrated this moment…only God.

Until the next story…Beth