Denial Keeps Me Stuck [Part 2]

In Part 2 today, I continue with another way I have been in denial lately.

As an Adult Child from a dysfunctional family, denial was one of my many childhood survival traits. I believe that all individuals who come from abusive, dysfunctional homes learn to behave in such ways to survive that environment growing up. It is amazing what our bodies go through to keep us alive! Denial kept me safe, but it no longer fits my life in a helpful way. I have outgrown it. But now as an adult, when my entire being experiences a potential threat to my very existence, I so easily revert back to those original survival traits…like denial…. especially denial!

Here is my most recent example of denial in action in my life…

In addition to denying my grief feelings recently surrounding my miscarriages, I have been denying some of my feelings toward a family member who has recently revealed their “SECRET” to me. While I am grateful this secret is out in the open and no longer being kept from me, I have had many feelings surrounding it but kept them at bay until now. The secret was revealed several months ago and at first I was in shock (the first stage of grief). After the initial shock, I was not yet ready to deal with my emotions so I minimized the behavior, denied how it truly effected me, excused it, and normalized it as being part of our ever changing culture…BUT THE TRUTH IS… IT REALLY HURT ME DEEPLY AT MY CORE.

It was time and safe now to finally deal with my feelings. AND so I am. The revealing of this secret has caused me to question my very purpose and role in life. There is shame, embarrassment, confusion, hurt, anger, and pain among other emotions. My emotions are really raw right now because I am allowing them to come. And it is ok for me to be in this place. While I am not able to share this secret yet here on the blog, I continue to process it with safe mentors in my life. I feel compelled and know that I must feel my feelings around this secret because if I don’t I will head down that dark spiral again. I will lose my clarity, serenity, and sanity.

Is it time to get your secret out in the open? AND/OR

Is it time to feel and express your emotions around something that has eaten away at you for years?

I encourage you to find a safe person, place, or support group to share it.

Until Part 3 on denial…Bethie

Addicted to TV

Addicted to TV.

I have found myself lately watching way more TV than usual. I have discovered Netflix and have had cable TV for 12 years since I was married.

Before I got married, I never had cable television. Where ever I lived I always had TV but just had a few basic ‘bunny ear’ channels. which was about 5 stations total. Growing up, my parents never wanted to pay for television and I HATED that as a teenager. I would long to visit my grandparents house because on both sides of my family they had cable. My friends also had cable, so I would get an occasional cable fix when I visited my friends houses.

I never knew and still don’t know why we did not have cable TV growing up. It made no sense to me back then. But now as an adult, I really appreciate the simplicity of those 5 stations. With so many choices on TV now, I feel overwhelmed and like I must watch most everything I can…Fuller House…Tidying Up with Marie Kondo…Queer Eye…The Crown…Counting On (the Duggars)…and the list goes on. And so I am caught up in my TV addiction.

However, I am aware. I have not had much fun lately staying close to home with my 3 month old son, so it could be that this is my way of having fun right now. It could be that there are some feelings I am not dealing with and I am escaping through the TUBE. Whatever my reason, I am aware that this is becoming a medicator for me. What I do with it…well…I will have to keep you posted. I am not sure yet.

What are you medicating with lately? What is it that you are avoiding dealing with? Know that you are not alone.

Until the next time…Bethie