Today, I remember my 3rd child lost in miscarriage, Zane Barrington. My three children who are not here with me will always be remembered. I will never forget them. This post was originally published on March 30, 2016 and remembered today April 23, 2019…
Yes, it is true. I am here again. SHOCK. DISBELIEF.
A third miscarriage in two years. It feels like TOO MUCH to handle.
Here is an excerpt from my journal:
“Sunday, Sept 27, 2015, 3:55pm…It is happening again…our now 3rd miscarriage. I am 1:3 with having children, not a good ratio when I desperately want more biological children. It SUCKS! And that does not even describe it. I am tired and have low energy. I feel unhealthy and sick. I am tired of going to the doctor. Having miscarriages is zapping, draining, and disruptive to my life. My confidence goes away. It becomes extremely difficult to make even the smallest decisions like where to go out to eat or what ice cream flavor I want….
I truly and deeply love my daughter, Remy, and understand what a miracle she is! But with each miscarriage for at least a month or two I become unavailable to her both physically and emotionally as well as Adam, my husband. It is not fair to them to be so checked out in my mind because of this grief. It just isn’t!
I am really unsure at this point if I ever want to get pregnant again, honestly. It is such a scary, disappointing thing….Oh how I would love to find myself again whatever that means.” [End of journal entry]
This time after 6 weeks of pregnancy, I faced yet another loss. Another child of mine is gone.
The name we chose this time: Zane, meaning God’s gracious beautiful gift. This name also starts with ‘Z’ the last letter of the alphabet hoping this will be our last and final miscarriage.
All of my children are a gift, blessing, and miracle. Really each life is a miracle. It amazes me how so many little and big details have to align for any of us to be here living on earth.
We are ALL walking miracles.
This time, my grief looked different. This time, I avoided it at first. DENIAL. I kept myself busy with my routine, my work, my family. I was busy but not really mentally present with others. I was not yet ready to deal with this loss.
My process was slow at first. I know I was avoiding, but the weight of losing three (3) children felt like too much to even begin to think about.
So after a few weeks of avoiding, I received an insulting email regarding how I am professionally. I was devastated. After receiving the email, I cried for 2 hours non-stop that night. My tears were telling me that it was not about the email, but about my loss. That email jumpstarted my grieving process and I am now grateful for that email.
I needed to face my pain head on and I did from that point forward. I could not go on like I was anymore.
I knew I would be writing about my miscarriage which allows my grief process to flow.
Since October 2015, I have really made it a priority to grieve as needed. Sometimes that means remembering my children and crying because I miss them. Sometimes that means take a nap. Sometimes that means not going to a baby shower. I allow myself to feel whatever feelings may come up and I focus on my gratitude. These things have helped me among all of this chaos, confusion, and overwhelm.
When feelings come up, I work toward being curious about them rather judgmental.
What about you? In your loss, what feelings do you notice? Are you judging yourself? Are you beating yourself up? Are you denying a true part of you?
It has been 6 months since our last miscarriage and I notice that it is easier to talk about. However, we never forget. Life is never the same. We never see life through the same lenses after loss.
Please know that it is okay to sleep, rest, cry, be alone some while you grieve. Others may be scared of these feelings and behaviors, but these are all things we need to do in our grief. Our bodies must do this in order for us to move forward in life.
Be so gentle with yourself.
Take care and take time to be rather than get caught up in the doing.
Until next time… Bethie